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Avoiding Habits in Your Relationships

Staying clear of Habits and Routines in Your Relationships

Habits aren’t poor in themselves, yet when they’re utilized irresponsibly, they could become very damaging undoubtedly.

Yet we have the tendency to think about habits as being things like cigarette smoking, consuming when we should not, or attacking our nails. Exactly what we commonly ignore is exactly how any type of behavior could come to be regular.

And also furthermore, we forget just how any communication could end up being habitual. And also exactly how routine can end up sneaking right into all elements of your life: including your connections!



Habits and Romantic Partners


The early days of your relationship are exceptionally important. Not just is this a vital possibility to obtain to understand each other, however, it is additionally the time during which you will be laying the guideline and also screening each various other’s limits.

In other words, throughout these very early days of your partnership, you will certainly be defining the style and the nature of the relationship moving forward.

And this is when routines and also criteria could embed in.

On an extremely basic level, if you think about taking your companion to work in the early morning by auto, after that you could wish to reassess that. It appears like a nice gesture, yet if you do it once, then you have to possibly be ready to do it all the moment.

Since if you do it as soon as, after that, you will likely do it once again. And also when you’ve done it four times, the question ends up being: why aren’t you constantly doing it? Currently, when you do not do it, it appears like you are proactively slouching, like you are actively caring much less as well as like you are punishing your companion.

For that reason, an assumption is set which becomes the brand-new normal.

The very same thing happens in our various other connections beyond romance. Let’s state that your granny provides you $50 yearly for your birthday celebration. It’s now profoundly tough for her to go down that number!

The issue is that this regular behavior and expectation could surpass smaller sized gestures and wind up affecting the real material of your connection. For instance, if you allow one person make most of the large choices, then that will certainly become normal and you will certainly find on your own in ‘2nd area’.

All of us intend to be consistent. Most of us have an urge to find across as somebody that is predictable and also congruent. Therefore, we end up entrapped in cages of our own production.

How to Change Habits

With all this in mind, exactly what should you take away from this?

To start with, you need to prevent doing anything as soon as if you wouldn’t want to do it for life. And if you do it the once, then see to it you clarify that you can’t always do it and also why.

But if it’s far too late for that, then just recognize that it is okay to alter your mind. It is all right to be unforeseeable at times. And you shouldn’t just ‘go along’ with something– no matter how much time it has been happening.

There are always polite and delicate means to raise any issue. And if you don’t speak out, it will only worsen.

Better Relationships

8 Scientific Ways To Be More Attractive To Men By Brian Robbens

8 Scientific Ways To Be More Attractive To Men By Brian Robbens (the creator of Respark The Romance)


Be More Attractive To Men

Some things in life are set…

…but probably not as many as we think.

To illustrate this, have you ever ran into someone you went to school with ten years prior, and been amazed at how they looked now?

This last year, some of my high school classmates made a Facebook group, and soon I was reconnecting with people that I hadn’t seen in twenty years.
Many looked very similar to the way they did in high school. One woman, however, about knocked me over.
She was a “side kick” to a popular girl back in the day, and not really that noticeable. Well, these days she’s a bombshell.

But something was very different, even though I instantly recognized her.
It really makes you stop and think about attractiveness, which brings me to my first point:

Attractiveness relies on much more than your physical appearance.
You would think that being sexy, hot, beautiful, or attractive is about how you look physically.

It is… and it isn’t.

It’s in the w
ay you carry yourself, the way you dress, how you care for yourself, the people you hang out
with, and how you talk to people.
We don’t need science to prove
to anyone that you look healthier and more attractive if you eat right, exercise, and spend a little time and money on your appearance.
You can tweak your diet to help you build more muscle, to have better skin, and to have an overall healthy glow.

Someone wh
o takes good care of themselves, and has a positive outlook, is very attractive to others. They pull all people in, so it’s even more than a sexual attraction.

Click here to discover how to Respark The Romance in your life

Now that I’ve made that point, we can look at eight ways to use science to look more attractive to men.

All of these, except #5, are things that anyone can do.


1. Show those pearly whites

Smiling stimulates men’s brains in many ways, and these work together to make you appear more attractive.

First, we know that anyone who smiles looks more welcoming, so a man will be more likely to approach you if you give him a smile. A smile disarms a man, so he’ll feel more at ease and even protective of you. That will help you notice positive things and feel more comfortable.

Men like people who like them, so a smile makes them think you like them more, and therefore makes you appear more attractive. That might be a bit odd, but it’s true. If a man thinks you like him, you appear more attractive!

That’s important because some people have trouble smiling, or forget to smile, when they’re nervous.

Remember that he’s nervous too, and try for a natural smile.

Also, make sure your teeth are healthy and white. A study found that when women had whiter teeth, the men showed a 54% increase in wanting to continue the date.

The really surprising thing was that men also thought that women with whiter teeth were more outgoing. So a natural, bright smile can make you appear much more attractive and outgoing.


2. Wear red

Be More Attractive To MenIn a study, men rated photos of women for attractiveness in front of different color backgrounds.

The women in front of red scored the highest.

If a man isn’t attracted to you, wearing red probably won’t change that. But if you catch his eye, and you happen to have some red incorporated into your outfit, it’ll grab his attention even more.

Red seems to trigger something biologically in men, maybe because they’re drawn to rosy cheeks. Some experts will tell you to use this tip and wear red lipstick. Studies have found that men will look at a mouth for 2 to 3 times longer when a woman wears red lipstick. So in a group of women, wearing red lipstick will really make you stand out.

Go to your favorite makeup counter to have a professional help you find the right shade of red for you.



3. Wear Solid Colors

And while we’re talking about what to wear—solid colors are more attractive to men than patterns. So a solid color shirt or dress will catch his attention more than a pattern.

Women tend to love patterns and layering things, so it goes against what we might pick out. But you can test this out one evening by wearing a solid color, and also take a look at women who men are watching, and notice what they’re wearing.


4. Scent is sexy

While primping your appearance, don’t forget about perfume.

Our smell is connected to our emotional and memory centers in the brain. That’s why a scent can bring back a very old memory, or even evoke an emotion out of the blue.

Having a nice perfume is the finishing touch on classiness and sexiness.

It really pulls a man in when you smell nice!

The key is finding a perfume that combines with your own body chemistry, so you’ll want to try perfumes on the test paper, in the air, and a little on your skin.

Go for a holistic approach and think about the scent of your shampoo, conditioner, skin conditioner, and perfume.


5. Keep your hair long and healthy

8 Scientific Ways To Be More Attractive To Men By Brian Robbens

Long, healthy hair shows fertility, and that might by why men are genetically drawn to it.

Younger women also tend to have longer hair than older woman, so it’s a sign of youth.

We could think about it deeper and say that long hair is seen as feminine, since most men have short hair. And men to like women, at least visually, for the things that are different about them from men.

But for whatever reason, studies have proven that men’s preferred hair style is long, straight and down. Long, curly, and down is their second favorite hair style, followed by a styled ponytail. “Long” hair doesn’t have to be super long, so you’ll still want to trim split ends and keep it healthy looking.



6. Mimic his body language, subtly!

So this a weird tip, but another one that works on a subconscious level.

You can appear more attractive to a man by mimicking his body language. It makes you seem more likable. But you don’t want to mirror him while he’s doing something. Make sure it’s not noticeable so it won’t make him feel strange. The effect is subconscious. He’ll feel more attracted to you without knowing why.

And men don’t analyze why they feel attracted to a woman. They believe it’s an either/or thing: they either feel it or they don’t. Hardly any men realize that women can do different things to appear more attractive.

Keep this tip in mind, and notice things he does. Wait a few minutes, and do something similar. Notice if he touches his hair, how he sits, and body language.

Keep in mind, he’ll do some things that look better on a male, so try to think of a female version. You don’t have to copy him exactly.


7. Higher pitch voices

Men like things about women that are different than them. In other words, they like feminine things like pretty dresses, the hour glass shape, long hair, and big, pouty lips.

Men are drawn to feminine voices too.

So a higher pitched voice will make him want to protect you, and that makes him attracted. Don’t go for a fake voice. But you might take some time and notice if you lower your voice. Some people do that out of habit.


8. Confidence is always in style

You can put all the time in the world into how you look, but it’ll ruin that if you put yourself down, talk about not being good enough, or show that you doubt yourself a lot.

Sometimes people “wow” us with their personality and confidence, and we want to be around them, never thinking about what they look like.

Attractiveness is about much more than a straight photograph of a person; it includes personality, charm, flirtiness, and confidence.


If you put some of the above tips to use and add in a dose of confidence, you’ll be a man magnet!

For the ultimate way to whip a man into a wild frenzy of passionate love… I highly recommend you check out Respark The Romance 

The secret mind method you learn here will turn even the most unromantic man into a caring, thoughtful, ‘Prince Charming’!

Once you know the secret to making him desire you more, it will feel as though there is a magnet pulling him towards you.

He won’t be able to stop thinking about you. Use this carefully!

Follow this link: Respark The Romance

Long-Distance Relationships Or LDR Might Be Better

Does absence, like in a Long-Distance Relationships, or LDR, make the heart grow fonder?

New science says a Long-Distance Relationships might be better.

Here is the science lowdown on the dreaded Long-Distance Relationships.
Three million Americans are part of an LDR.
25% to 50% of college students are currently in one right now.
Of the non-college group, reasons could be military deployment, work preferences or requirements, internet dating, and even immigration and visa delays.

The internet helps us feel closer, even when we’re far apart.
So Long-Distance Relationships are growing in popularity.
Technology like text messaging, instant messaging, video chat, they all help us feel a sense of inclusion and intimacy that we wouldn’t have been able to get only 10 or 15 years ago.
The research from 2010 says romance does kind of require face to face interaction.
Newer research, that’s saying the opposite.

Long-Distance Relationships or LDR might be better according research

A study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy says: those in Long-Distance Relationships might actually be better at dating.
Researchers recruited people in close by and Long-Distance Relationships.
They filled out a series of questionnaires tackling their intimacy, their commitment, their communication, psychological distress, and sexual satisfaction, or lack thereof.
Those in an LDR also indicated how often they got to see each other.
Though both groups were doing well, the LDR couples were better functioning couples, reporting higher levels of satisfaction, intimacy, and communication.
The close by couples win in the area of getting laid more.
Basically, LDR couples have to replace their physical closeness with emotional closeness.
While the close by couples were overlooking some of their problems, the long-distance couples, they were forced to sort them out.

Some studies on Long-Distance Relationships Or LDRs:

A piece in Pacific Magazine puts it this way:
“Long-distance couples are arguably better at discussing sex, and those who live nearby actually have more sex.”

A separate study this year in the Journal of Communication tipped the scales even farther toward long-distance couples.
Indicating that they form even deeper bonds than their nearby neighbors because of all of that sharing.
Which is something those of us who are very familiar with the long distance thing, as my friends call it, know very well, because you’re just always talking, you’re just talking and talking, and there’s more talking and some talking and talking.

In the end, all this communication leads to a greater sense of mental intimacy, which is great, if lonely.
Psychotherapist and author, Rachel Sussman, points out the loneliness factor isn’t really considered much in this research, but it can be really stressful for people, which is a good point.
Also, they don’t really consider the jealousy factor.
If you’re a jealous person with a high level of FOMO, things could go sour, fast.

“Lifehacker” has a couple of helpful tips to make LDR last, like make date nights, where you video chat, eat dinner, watch a movie, text things like “wish you were here” to alleviate jealousy. And when you talk, be present.

Non-verbal cues are really important.
Most importantly, have an end date.
If there is no end to the tunnel, then there’s no light to look forward to.

What if some of the most famous relationships were Long-Distance Relationships Or LDRs?

I wonder how like Mary Todd Lincoln would have tolerated Abe’s a brutal honesty?
The word “independence” may have no A’s in it.
The declaration may have no holes.
But when you look at the people who signed it, there are a lot of a-holes.
That guy just does not hold back.
Anyway, be sure to check out brutally honest Abe for more of his delightful truth bombs.
And tell us your thoughts about the long distance thing in the comments area below.

Thanks for reading..

As found on Youtube

How To Keep Your Relationship Healthy And Prevent Breakups

Brad Browning, relationship and breakup coach from Vancouver Canada. Most of my videos are aimed at helping you win back an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend… but to be frank, the very most effective way to reverse a breakup is to avoid it in the first place. So that’s what this video will be all about — I’ll give you some tips on how to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid breakups. So, let’s go through some of the things you can do when you’re in a relationship to keep the attraction alive…

1.) Quit being so needy, and keep a lid on the jealousy. One of the least attractive characteristics you can portray is insecurity. Jealousy and ‘neediness’ are both extreme examples of insecurity, so they can cause some real damage to a relationship. Jealousy is a natural feeling that we all have to endure to a certain degree, but the key is to suppress these feelings of jealousy unless you have a very, very good reason to feel jealous. Most of the time, you simply need to trust your partner and have faith that he or she is not being disloyal.

‘Neediness’ is a similar attraction-killing trait… in fact, it’s so common that I should probably make a video dedicated just to this topic. For the purposes of this video, though, I’ll just leave it at this: no-one likes being in a relationship where your partner is constantly seeking validation, so quit being ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’.

2.) Avoid falling into a boring routine. The first few months of any new relationship are usually exciting and passionate, but things can often quickly become stale if you and your partner don’t make an effort to keep things interesting. Avoiding boring routines doesn’t require anything extreme… you don’t have to go skydiving on Tuesdays and skinny dipping on Thursdays, for example… you just have to mix it up enough to avoid either one of you becoming bored. A romantic weekend getaway, for example, is a great way to break the routine… you could take your partner to a cooking class, try out the newest restaurant in town, or spontaneously give your partner a small gift. Make an effort to spice things up in the bedroom, too — your sex life is just as prone to becoming ‘stale’.

3.) Don’t give up on all your social life. Some people have a tendency to quickly lose contact with friends and colleagues when they jump into a new relationship. If you’re guilty of this, and you’ve started to grow apart from your friends and social circle since you entered into your current relationship, then now is the time to reconnect with them. No couple, regardless of how incredibly compatible and deeply in love they may be, should be spending 100% of their time together.

It’s very important to keep other areas of your life intact, too… a well-balanced social life can really help keep your relationship healthy and assist in keeping your jealousy and neediness in check. Generally speaking, your romantic partner should be one important element of your life, not the only element.

4.) Swallow your pride and accept responsibility. Arguments are normal in romantic relationships, but you need to learn how to have mature disputes that lead to productive solutions. Yelling and screaming, hurling insults, trying to get ‘revenge’… these are all things that can be toxic to a relationship, so both you and your partner need to learn how to settle arguments in a mature way.

Sometimes, you may need to swallow your pride and apologize to your partner even if you feel like you were ‘right’ and he or she was ‘wrong’ in a given argument… accept responsibility for fights that get out of hand, and be willing to step up and be the bigger person if it will help settle the issue and avoid further conflict.

5.) Remember that mutual attraction is what holds relationships together. It’s incredibly easy to get wrapped up in your day-to-day life and forget that attraction is the glue that holds relationships together. This is something that’s very important to remember, though, because it will help you identify problems that cause a loss of attraction and stop them before they lead to more serious issues or a breakup. Your partner fell in love with you for a reason… he or she found your personality and the traits you possess attractive, so don’t suddenly introduce new unattractive characteristics that could reverse this attraction.

Avoid being clingy, jealous, insecure, and possessive… these are all major attraction-killers. If your relationship is on the brink of collapse and you’re worried that a breakup might be on the horizon, I’d be happy to help you turn things around and make sure that doesn’t happen… you can sign up for my personal coaching service at I work with my coaching clients on an ongoing basis, and I’ll help you identify the problems that are plaguing your relationship and offer a series of solutions to re-build the attraction and develop a healthier, more mature relationship. That’s all for now — please feel free to leave your feedback in the comments section below, and please take a moment to click the ‘like’ button if you found any of the tips in this video helpful. Thanks for watching!.

As found on Youtube

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Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

Intimacy, security, respect, good communication, a sense of being valued. These are some of the things that most people would agree make for healthy relationships. And researchers would agree, too. There is a large body of literature on romantic relationships that has identified the features of healthy relationships, and the list I just provided contains many of them. Researchers also agree on what makes for unhealthy relationships – things like fighting so much that you just can’t work things out; not being able to go to your partner for support when you need it; contempt, criticism, hostility, violence. When these problems happen in relationships, they can cause significant unhappiness. They can lead to the end of relationships and divorce, and they can literally make people physically and emotionally sick. This is why it is so critical that people have healthy relationships. But there is a problem: how many people know, I mean, really know what to do on a day-to-day basis, to create healthy relationships? My point is this: we may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people have no idea how to get one, and no one teaches us how to do so.

We need to teach people how to have healthy relationships. Now, you know when we typically do so? After it’s too late. It is called couples therapy. I do couples therapy, and it can be a wonderful thing. But many people come to couples therapy with so many ingrained problems and patterns that they just can’t change. It’s too late. You know when else we try to teach people how to have healthy relationships? Right before they get married. It’s call premarital education. And this is a good idea: teach people how to have a good relationship while they are still happy, presumably. And it can work.

But in my opinion, it’s still too late. Why? Because people have already selected the person they want to commit their life to. What if they selected poorly? No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice. So the ways we have tried to teach people how to have healthy relationships have been limited, because they fail to address three important things: genuinely knowing what you want and need in a partner and a relationship, selecting the right person, and developing and using skills right from the beginning. I don’t mean the beginning of any particular relationship.

I mean the beginning-beginning, like as soon as possible. We need to teach people, especially young people, how to have healthy relationships. Now, towards this end, my colleagues and I have developed a skills based model of relationship functioning that we believe can help people create the things that lead to healthy relationships and reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy ones. We’ve identified three skills – insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation – that form the basis for what we call romantic competence. Romantic competence is the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process, from figuring out what you need, to finding the right person, to building a healthy relationship, and to getting out of relationships that are unhealthy. I’ll tell you more about the skills in a minute, but first, let me say that we didn’t just make this up out of the blue. We identified the skills based on a thorough review of theory and research.

And the skills really represent the commonalities across the major theories and research findings on healthy relationships. And because they represent the commonalities, we think they really can help people with all the different parts of the relationship process, and with all different people – whether people in a relationship or not. So let me tell you about the skills. The first one is insight. Insight is about awareness, and understanding, and learning. So with insight, you’ll have a better idea of who you are, what you need, what you want, why you do the things you do. So let’s say you are being really snappy to your partner. With insight, you might notice or realize that it’s not that your partner is doing anything, but actually you’re really stressed out at work. What you really need is to relax a little bit, so it doesn’t bleed out over into your relationship. Insight will also let you know your partner better. Let’s say your partner shows up late for a date. With insight, you’ll know why.

For example, maybe your partner is late for everything. It’s nothing about you or the relationship. That’s just who your partner is. With insight, you’ll be able to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your behavior. For example, you’ll know that if you send that nasty text, it is not going to go well. Maybe you’d better make a phone call instead. With insight, you will be able to learn from your mistakes in ways that allow you to behave differently in the future. So maybe you’ll recognize that you’re the kind of person who tends to jump in really quickly – you get wrapped up in the romance of things – and then things don’t go well.

So you might be able to say, “Well, you know what the next time I’m just going to take things a little more slowly and not repeat the same mistake. And with insight, you’ll have a better understanding about what’s really right for you in a relationship. Maybe you’re the kind of person who really needs a monogamous relationship. You are not OK with your partner seeing other people. Or maybe you’ll realize it’s just the opposite, that you’re not ready to settle down, and you need a partner who is OK with that. So that’s insight. The second skill is mutuality. Mutuality is about knowing that both people have needs, and that both sets of needs matter. With mutuality you’ll be able to convey your own needs in a clear direct fashion that increases the likelihood that you’ll get them met. Let’s say you have to go to a really stressful family event, and you’d like your partner to be there with you. You might say directly: “You know this is going to be stressful for me. I’d really love for you to be there; you’ll be a really good buffer for me.

Is there any way you can clear your schedule to come with me?” With mutuality, you’ll be willing to meet your partner’s needs as well. Let’s say you know that your partner really likes to go to the gym first thing in the morning, it makes your partner feel better the rest of the day. Mutuality will let you be willing to support your partner in this, even though you’d really rather have your partner stay home, in bed with you. And mutuality also lets you factor both people’s needs into decisions that you make about your relationship. So let’s say you get a great job offer that you’d like to take, but you know it means you will to have to work more, and you know how important it is for both you and your partner to spend time together. With a mutual approach, you might say, “You know, I’d really like to take this job, it’s really important to me, but I also am concerned about us spending time together.

If I promise to protect some time for us, will you be OK with me taking this job?” That’s a mutual approach to relationships. The third skill is emotion regulation. And emotion regulation is about regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in your relationship. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to … keep your emotions calm and keep things that happen in your relationship in perspective. So, you might think: “Oh, my goodness. This is a disaster! This is the worst thing ever! How am I going to handle this?” With emotion regulation, you’ll think: “You know what, I can handle this. This is going to be all right. There is a way to deal with this.

I’m going to figure this out. Everything is going to be OK.” With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not act out on them impulsively, so you’ll to be able to think through your decisions more clearly. So let’s say your waiting for your partner to text you back. That text isn’t coming; you’re getting really anxious; you’re checking your phone every two seconds. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tell yourself, “You know what? Calm down. The text is going to come. I don’t need to check my phone every second; I’m just going to put it away and focus on the task at hand.” And with emotion regulation, you’ll be able to maintain a sense of self-respect and commitment to your needs, even when bad things happen in your relationship. So let’s say you have a breakup. You’re feeling really depressed; you’re really missing your partner. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to let yourself know that it is OK; that, yeah, you’re going to feel depressed, but you’re going to get over it and get through this. If you beg and plead to get back together, you’re not going to feel good about yourself, and you don’t even want to be in a relationship that wasn’t good for you.

So insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. I believe it’s people’s ability to use the skills on a day-to-day basis that lets them have healthy relationships. So let me give you an example of how this works. The other day I was talking to someone, and she said that when her partner asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she told him she didn’t want anything. So guess what? She didn’t get anything. And she got really angry, and they had a big fight. Why? Because she really did want a present, she just didn’t want to tell him; she just wanted him to somehow know. It is called mind reading. It is a terrible idea; it never works. Had she been using the skills, insight would have let her know herself well enough to realize that she really did want something, and if she didn’t get it, she was going to be mad.

Insight also would have let her know that her partner was the kind of guy who was just going to take what she said literally. Mutuality would have let her really ask for what she wanted, directly and clearly. And emotion regulation would have let her deal with any feelings she was having that were getting in the way of doing that. So maybe she was feeling kind of anxious: What would he think if I asked for what I needed? Or maybe she was feeling guilty, you know.

She knows they are saving for a big trip, and she maybe thought that he would think that she was kind of greedy or something. So if she had used the skills, she would have been able to say, “You know what? I know we are saving for that trip, but I really like that necklace that we saw the other day, and it wasn’t that expensive.” He would have gotten it for her. She would have felt respected and valued. He would have been happy. They would have felt more intimate. This whole birthday gift thing would have gone well, instead of ending in a fight that could really damage their relationship. Now, this was just an anecdote. We have data to support this as well. I’ve been studying romantic competence, the ability for people to use insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation, among young people.

In one of our studies, we looked at 13- and 14-year-old girls, early adolescent girls, and we found that girls who were more romantically competent felt more secure in their relationships. They felt comfortable being close to people, they could trust people, they weren’t worried about being rejected. Girls who are more romantically competent reported fewer depressive symptoms, they had better mental health. They also were more positive about their expectations about marriage in the future; they were more optimistic that it could go well. Girls with greater romantic competence were engaging in more typical romantic activities for their age, things that were normative, like dating and flirting and affectionate behaviors like hugging and kissing.

And girls who were more romantically competent were engaging in fewer … atypical, sexual activities, like sexual intercourse, which can be considered pretty risky for a 13- and 14-year-old girl. So, even at an early age, 13 and 14 years old, when these girls mostly were not even in relationships, the more romantically competent they were, the more adaptive relational functioning they were showing, and the better mental health they were showing. We see the same things among young adults, 18 to 25 years old: More romantically competent men and women feel more secure in relationships. They also report making better decisions, they can see the warning signs when things aren’t going well and make conscious decisions with confidence. They’re also better at seeking and providing support to their partners. So, they are more willing to ask for what they need and use what their partners give them.

And they are better at providing helpful support when needed. And this isn’t just what they told us, we actually observed them doing this in our laboratory, where we asked them to talk with one another about a personal problem. Young people who were more romantically competent also were more satisfied in their relationships, they were happier. And again, they reported fewer depressive symptoms and also fewer anxiety symptoms. So overall, being romantically competent at a young age is associated with greater, more adaptive relationship functioning and greater individual well being. And this brings me back to my point that we need to be teaching people how to have healthy relationships. So, like I said earlier on, we may know what a healthy relationship looks like, but most people have no idea how to get one, and no one teaches us how to do so. And this is a problem. We need to help people genuinely know what they want and need in a relationship. We need to help them select the right partner.

We need to help them make good decisions and deal with the challenges that relationships bring. And we need to help them build and use skills right from the beginning. This is what the notion of romantic competence is all about. It’s all about using insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation to reduce the behaviors that lead to unhealthy relationships, like fighting, and poor support, and hostility, and criticism, and contempt, and violence. And create the things that lead to healthy relationships, like intimacy, security, respect, good communication, and a sense of being valued. And wouldn’t all of our relationships benefit from this? I think they would. Thank you. (Applause).

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